So you want to get married outside the church...

Dear [Name redacted],

FLOWER MOUNTAIN WEDDINGS
SEVIERVILLE, TN

I see this a lot. My first questions were just to get a clearer sense for where you and your fiancé are. 

There’s a lot here, and an email probably won’t be able to get to the bottom of it.

I appreciate you reaching out and wanting to understand better your religion and where your mom might be coming from. I’m honored and happy to help—if what follows is any help.

It’s great you and your fiancé want to get married. It’s great that you’re dealing with the important issues in the early stages of your planning. It’s great that the involvement of your family is very important to you.

You mention your desire to keep conflict to a minimum. You’re aware that your wedding, as you propose it, already contains a certain degree of conflict with your religion and with your mother. You’re seeking a clearer understanding of what the Church permits and prohibits regarding your initial plans. You’re also seeking some advice on what’s the best way forward for you, for your marriage and for your family.

You ask whether the church prohibits catholics from participating in non-catholic or non-christian weddings. I presume with this question that you have your mom’s participation in mind. And, since you know how seriously she regards the instructions of the Church, any permissions or prohibitions would be important for her to consider. The positive prohibition that comes first to mind for me is from scripture which we’re all supposed to take seriously and that’s our Lord’s words “Whosoever shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me; it were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he were cast into the sea (Mk 9:41).” It’s conceivable that your mom considers her participation in your wedding outside the church as scandalizing other impressionable members of your family including yourself.

Of course, the question of your mom’s participation in a non-catholic or non-christian wedding is secondary to your own participation in your own non-catholic or non-christian wedding. The Church is also very clear about this: “Only those marriages are valid which are contracted before a priest…in a parish church (Code of Canon Law, Canons 1108 §1; 1117; 1118 §1).” This means, that if you and your fiancé wish to marry validly as far as your religion is concerned, then insisting on a non-catholic or non-christian marriage presents an irreconcilable inconsistency. There can be exceptions to this form for when a catholic chooses to marry a non-catholic or a non-Christian but only with the permission of the bishop.

Lots of Catholics are unaware that they are bound to marry in the Church. And lots of Catholics go ahead and get married at a barn or at a beach or at the courthouse unaware that they still require, for the validity of their marriage, to get married in the Church. A practical problem comes later on when they want to resume sacramental life in the Church, whether it’s going back to confession for the first time in a while, or receiving Holy Communion at Mass or bringing a baby to be baptized. The problem is that their decision—whether they were aware of it or not—to proceed with such little regard for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony requires their marriage be made valid before they can proceed to participate validly in the other Sacraments of the Church.

Another, probably simpler way to put it is to ask “What do you have against the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony?” It’s the sacrament that unites a couple’s love with Christ’s love in such a way that the couple—promising to love each other until death—becomes an icon of the love of God. It’s hard to consider why any believer wouldn’t want that for his relationship with his own bride—to have their married love exist in direct relation to the Divine love. What’s at stake is that your proposing to separate yourself publicly and formally from the Sacramental life of the Church. You say you aren’t in anyway against Catholicism and I believe you now. But, if you should proceed to marry apart from the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, then you will be taking a stand publicly and formally against Catholicism, whether it feels like it to you or not.

It’s reasonable for a mom or dad to recoil from participating in their child’s public separation from the Sacraments of the faith in which they were raised—especially when that separation is caused by a marriage which could have very easily taken place in the Church. What they owe you as your parents is secondary to what they owe God as your parents. You ask whether the church prohibits practicing catholics, particularly parents from participating in their child’s non-christian wedding.  If the church isn’t so explicit on that point, it can only be because of how carefully and what great pains she takes to make the more important point: catholics are bound to marry in the church. What obligation do parents have to bend over backward to participate in an invalid wedding?

I haven’t said much about how holy a thing it is for a man and a woman to promise love and fidelity until death. I haven’t said much either about how wonderful it would be and what the eternal repercussions would be if you and your fiancé both would return to the church. But that’ll have to be for another time.

I’d only add, pray about it. Your folks may be right. I know that’s tough to hear, especially when your heart now belongs to someone who hardly believes as your parents do and as you once did. But pray about it. God can change hearts. And as the man of the house, which you soon will be, you’ll be taking a step in assuming the great responsibility that God has for you.

You and your fiancé are in my prayers.

I know this reply has gone long. Let me know if this helps or where else I can be clearer.

Yours,

Fr. Drew

Sluggish

Joachim Patinier, "Saint Jerome in the Desert"

I noticed the thought of giving a good example to the seminarian, who also struggles with sluggishness in the morning, was just the ticket to get me out of bed.  Now, if I had only had that thought an hour earlier.

Father Leo Trese

I recently picked up "Vessel of Clay" by Father Leo Trese.  It looks like I may not have to write the book after all.  This guys pretty much right on with what I was thinking.  I'll give more of a review after I'm done reading it.

Update

Raphael "Saint Michael"

I've been back from my 2-weeks away for about 8 days now.  It's been slow getting back to anything resembling a 5:00 AM wakeup to start Matins on time.  The consequence has been that I've been playing catchup during the mornings for most of the last week.  This includes this morning.

I wonder if my swimming—which I've been quite regular with these three weeks—needs to be earlier in the day.  It seems the more it's a late-afternoon swim, the herder it is to get up the next morning.  It's hard enough to get up in the morning, no need to make it harder.  An earlier swim shouldn't be too tough to arrange.

Thinking of writing a book

It would be a manual about the parish priesthood.  "Pro-tips for Parish Priests" or some sort of thing.  It wouldn't be a spirituality of the parish priesthood.  It wouldn't be a theology of the priesthood.  Just considerations related to the professional work and life of the parish priesthood.

I can see part one being the plan of a parish priest: daily; weekly; monthly; yearly; always.  I can see another part being particularly parochial responsibilities: sacramental, catechetical, juridical.  I can see another part being an assortment of particularly useful virtues, skills and best practices.

If it were called "A layman's guide to the parish priesthood," then, as ironic as it may sound—in that the book would be firstly for priests and not laymen—that would still actually be the tone.